I’ve recently been rewatching New Girl (for the millionth time) and a particular episode really caught my attention, and a particular phrase in it. Now, I don’t know if the writers of New Girl coined the phrase but I do know that after I watched the episode I was thinking a lot about the term “Back Sliding” and what it means to me, and why I don’t want to be a back slider.
In the context of New Girl they use the term back sliding to define when someone goes slithering back to an ex after a break up, and whilst yeah I like the phrase for that reason because in that context, we’ve all backslid, I was thinking of it in a broader term.
I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress and decisions over the last 6 months that have really begun to define who I am as a person both offline and online, I’ve become more open about my interests and my Instagram is becoming a pretty clear example of how over it I am in terms of trying to keep to an aesthetic and relate to the every-girl like I was trying so hard to do before, (I’ve lost many followers thanks to posting Rainbow Six Siege clips and talking about Minecraft too much if that helps contextualise what I mean), but those aren’t the only things. I’ve had long talks with myself about what I want to contribute to the world and to my own life, what direction I want to go in and what the next step is.
My first question to myself is how long do I see myself blogging for? The truth to that is now uncertain, whilst I love my website and everything I’ve accomplished thanks to it, I’ve been thinking about the next step, I’ve become very into gaming, photography and music this year and have had conversations with followers and friends about picking up streaming, every man and his dog seems to be doing streaming lately though so I’ve obviously debated if whether or not it seems like a hype-jump, and whilst that’s probably partly true because I do get very sucked into new things, the reality of my life lately is that actually most of my time these days is spent gaming and watching streams; so if I ever get a good PC, why not give it a go? Obviously this is something that would have to wait until the future but I feel like as far as my interests go and the type of person I want to be online, it makes sense to try different avenues.
But my blog isn’t the only thing, personal growth has been a biggie for me this year and I’ve been thinking a lot about the future, the type of adult I want to be and how much pressure I have to apply to my work ethic, and whilst applying a ton of pressure worked for me before, it doesn’t so much anymore. I actually can’t remember the last time I thought about taking some serious Instagram content that wasn’t me laughing at a sausage wrapped in corn or posting about my siege kills, I can’t remember the last time that I sat and had an over-think which resulted in a think-piece, and whilst this counts as one, I came up with it whilst being lazy.
I’ve also realised that the ultimate goal in my life shouldn’t revolve around men and settling down, I never really thought too much about it before but I definitely was hit with the realisation that I’d become less of an independant woman and had adapted more of a “I need men because I’m useless.” mindset which was incredibly toxic and frustrating for me, because I’m very opinionated and outspoken and that side of me has never been silenced before but I felt like it was trying to be. Over the last six months I’ve realised that is definitely not.the.case, I’m amazed by all of the DIY I’ve done and how mentally capable I’ve become, and I’m also happy that my main value has stayed true: family matters most. Something that I think will forever remain true to me and I will always live by. This is something that I won’t go into too much detail on, because it speaks for itself, but it’s my most honest and true value.
Swinging back onto topic, I’ve been thinking that whilst old habits do die hard, because obviously I rewatched the entireity of New Girl, new and better habits are easier to put into place. I’ve been teaching myself some restraint and have been hard on myself in terms of applying my health first, I’ve begun working out by doing regular yoga on the Down Dog app and have even started the Couch to 5k, my eating habits are substantially healthier than they were before and I’ve even gotten really into smoothies, I’d hate to backslide away from all of this progress and find myself in a position that I was previously in where my personal growth and the obstacles I’ve overcome all meant nothing. We make progress in life for a reason and we get presented with lessons so that we can learn from them, move forward and grow.
So that brings me onto backsliding, I’d hate for the lessons that I’ve learned this year to be for nothing, I’d like to think that all of this trying to self improve will pay off and I’ll look in the mirror and genuinely have big love for the person looking back, because honestly I’m really liking myself at the minute, I’ve been having a lot of fun that I can’t really explain.
When I think about the actions that I’ve taken and the decisions I’ve made, what those choices have led to this year and what I’ve done to keep myself happy, I feel proud. I like the fact that I’ve loosened up and kind of hit the “don’t care” button about trying to appease to a mass audience and also people please.
Yes, my values remain true but my overall approach to life has adapted to more of a “what makes me happy” situation. I was told by someone I love very much a few weeks ago to never forget that the person in this life that has my back the most is myself, that I should never forget that and I should look out for myself because it counts, and whilst I’d already realised that, hearing someone else say it really meant something, and it’s those words that have been ringing in my ears ever since “backsliding” has become a term echoing in my mind. I don’t want all of my progress to be for nothing, I don’t want to keep repeating mistakes and history like I’ve been doing for the last five or so years. I think the time to “move on” and leave those lessons learned has come.