The person I am today is an entirely different person to who the person who I was on this day exactly a year ago, and this will continue to be the case each day and each year for the rest of my life. The difference is that 2020 has been my most testing year, the universe has thrown endless obstacles at me and has been thrusting me into facing who I am, what I want out of life, and who I intend on becoming. This year has been cruel, and yet, I have grown so much that I don’t recognise the girl that wrote this blog a year ago.
The obvious main difference between this year and last year is our new pal ‘rona. The biggest obstacle for every person on this planet this year and we’ve all been affected in different ways, we’ve all come through this in different ways, and we will all continue to be affected in different ways. But despite Corona being the star of the show this year, we’ve all still got our own demons to deal with and we’ve all got lives outside of this virus.
In my case, the start of the year was definitely a strong contendor for the worst time for me in my life; the begining of this year was ruthless, it was when I realised that this was going to be a difficult year for me mentally, that I’d have to grow up and deal with things like an adult, really, for the first time. This year I have grieved, I have learned what it means to survive alone and I have once again come to understand and value the importance of family, but of course, only to be entirely seperated from them in an instant thanks to this virus, which has then gone on to teach me about what it means to have company, that yes I love being alone and with myself, nothing beats it, but I do also crave the interaction and touch of my family; my sisters, my niece, my parents and my nan.
I have also learned what it means to truly hold your head high, to take steps to try to move on from trauma, from loss and to face my biggest fear and push through it with all of my mental capacity. But I can also stand back and appreciate that I’m not 100% there with anything in life, I’ve learned to accept that I probably never will reach 100% because my idea of what it means to reach my full potential adjusts each and every day; I’ve come to realise that I am my own biggest critic, I fault each and every part of myself from the way I walk to the way I write, I’ve had enough alone time to reflect on all of the things that I don’t like about myself and think about what I have to do to fix those things.
This year has also shown me what it means to have the strength to become independent, to use my head and think about things a little bit more, I’ve had time to sit back and reflect on what I want in my life, who I want in my life and what I aim to achieve in a set period of time whilst also relaxing the rules a little bit; I’ve learned that there’s no rush. There’s no need to do everything that I want whilst I’m only in my twenties, I’ve realised that success isn’t measured by money but by happiness and that only I can define what it means to be successful in my life; afterall, I am the protagonist of it the same way that you are of yours.
Not every lesson needs to be one that is tremendous and life changing though, I’ve felt like my smaller achievements such as taking out spiders by myself and eating healthier have been just as much of a triumph for me as embracing independence and fighting through grief, I don’t need to have an epic story for each and every single day, I just need to get through them.
These lessons, no matter how big or small, are only a few of many that I’ll continue to be faced with for the rest of my life, and I’m still learning how to get through what I’ve already been faced with – I’m not perfect, nobody is, I take stumbles and fall and I sometimes have to remind myself of these lessons – or – the world does it for me.
Not every day has to be a good one, not every idea has to be ground-breaking, I don’t have to be productive every day, if I want to or need to sit and have a cry by myself that’s okay, if I want to be silly, blast music, and have a dance on my own that’s okay, and if I want to just laze on my sofa watching really corny anime that. is. okay. So, my biggest lesson of this year: I don’t need to be making every day “count” as it were. I just need to live.