*Items in this article have been sent to me for the sake of review.
One of my first blog posts talking about sex was relating to the stigma around female sexual pleasure, why I felt that we were ushered into not talking about it and as a result: have a lack of understanding about our bodies. Many women to this day still feel like sex isn’t for them, but for their partner alone, and it has had me writing up piece after piece questioning why we’re not more open about sexuality with ourselves and to each other. As such, here I am again typing up another piece on why we need to be more proud, more open, more vocal and less scared to open up figuratively and literally.
If you’ve been around since my first post talking about the stigma, then you’ll know that I am fiercely advocative for women having a place to talk and a place to express themselves when it comes to sex, I hope that this is the place where we can have an open discussion with one another and that women feel comfortable talking to me about how they feel in the bedroom, whether they’re going solo or with someone else. Not because I’m nosey and because I want to know your intimate details, but because I feel like we are limited in where we can go, who can we open up to if a social media post opens the gateways to trolls and if talking to your mum is a bit awkward *raises hand*
So let’s talk about it: I have a few key points I want to gloss over that have been on my mind as of late. I feel like when talking about female sexuality, we do limit ourselves strictly to sex and masturbation without talking about other points such as the way we dress and behave.
So, why do I have a problem with the other points?
I feel like when a woman, let’s say someone like Miley Cyrus, gets up on stage and starts dancing provocatively or wearing next to nothing, she’ll be branded across the media as out of control, freaky, sexual and she will be shamed for it. However when a man does the same thing, for arguments sake lets say if Justin Bieber decided to get up on stage shirtless doing a sexual dance routine and singing provocative lyrics, people would barely bat an eyelid, he’d be in the media for it don’t get me wrong but he’d be getting praise for being ~steamy~ and alluring.
I don’t necessarily have a problem with how men get represented in the media because I think it’s how we should be represented, we should celebrate sexuality and everything that comes with it, but my problem lies with how women are represented. I want stars such as Miley Cyrus to be sexual and express their sexualities because it’s inspiring and it’s fresh, it’s great to see a woman who knows herself and feel comfortable with herself showing off what she loves, her body or her sexuality.
But I also feel like the attention it draws either shies women back into being discreet, thinking that it’s “too much” to express yourself that way whilst men will make obscene gestures and regularly talk about their sex lives amongst each other, or it makes women take a stand, but it’s never one or the other, it’s both, and it divides us and makes getting what we all truly want, difficult.
But then I also believe that the more sexual women there are in the media and the more women who aren’t afraid to flaunt their stuff, the better. It causes a domino effect, for example I was always inspired by the provocative women, I thought they were awesome and I wanted to be like them, I thought women like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera throughout my childhood were the embodiment of sexiness and I loved their confidence. I also think this is why I feel so comfortable talking about sex and sexuality on my blog these days, I had really amazing women to look up to throughout my childhood, and even in my teens more women were coming into the limelight and being unafraid to express their sexuality regardless of their backgrounds, looks and politics (See: Rihanna, Beyonce, Cardi B, Lizzo etc).
There are also more bloggers out there that like to talk about sex other than me and there are more women out there trying to open the conversation and create a comfortable environment for each other, we’re not a small group either because let’s face it, we want to be equal and to have the freedom to express ourselves, but we’re shying away because we ourselves are also putting a limit on.
I have the comfort because I know that I’m the type of person who always has, to talk to my friends about things relating to sex and to express my sexuality when in conversation, but I don’t feel the same way when talking to my siblings or to my mum, I know that I hold back if the conversation arises because I feel like it’s a bit on the ~weird~ scale. Sometimes things will crop up and it’s a comfortable enough environment to talk about things, but never from a personal point of view or out of the blue. This isn’t because of a societal pressure though, but more because of the type of people we are and the types of relationships that we each have with one another, and that’s fine, it’s okay to have some limitations because we all do, but what I can’t understand nor accept is the need to completely censor ourselves.
And then there’s the discussion of female pleasure
This is something that I definitely won’t draw out too much in this post, if you’re interested in my opinions in a more long-winded fashion, then read my blog post that I wrote a couple of months ago talking about the stigma around female sexuality.
It’s been a while since I typed up that post and I still feel like I haven’t seen much, or any, discussion in the mass media which aims to inform us and make us more comfortable with the topic of female pleasure. I know publications such as Cosmopolitan exist, but that’s one major platform out of hundreds; when looking for information online, forums and mostly cosmo articles load up otherwise it’s scientific and research, it’s difficult to find somewhere to read about female pleasure and feel like I’m not going crazy because I want to understand the point of views of others, and yes I said that blogs exist but without them being shown to me or without them happening to fall on my Twitter timeline, it’s also quite hard to find these blogs that talk to me on the same level as me.
So once again, I’m here asking us to open the discussion, let’s talk about female pleasure as it is: normal. Let’s talk about what we do and don’t like, and help each other out in the field we feel confused or lost in from time to time.
I’m not going to sit and pretend though that I haven’t held back once since opening this column, I often question myself and have to ask myself if I’d be okay with my mum stumbling across an article such as this on my blog; which she did once and it opened up a conversation between me, her and my little sister – it was a bit awkward I won’t lie, but we had the opportunity and environment to discuss it which is why I talk about this in the first place!
Finally, why we should be more proud of our sexuality
The big topic that I even named this post after, why we should be more proud of our sexuality. I think that there’s a sense of shame in being a sexual woman, it’s not spoken about often and in movies and media men are normally seen as the more sex deprived gender; they’re eager to spend time in the bedroom and want to be there constantly, in action. So it’s quite a shock when some women learn that they have more of a sexual drive than their male counterpart and find themselves wanting to be in the bedroom more often.
I’ve been reading up on it a lot, and so many women have noticed this pattern and feel ashamed for being so sex-driven, their partners lack of interest; or rather, lack of sexual desire, has them feeling self conscious and confused: isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?
Well, no, it isn’t. It’s actually quite common for women to be more sexually driven than their male partners. We have the raging hormones every month which are a contributor, but also, we just want to. But because of how the media has portrayed men, when you find yourself in a situation where you’re wanting to have sex more frequently, you think there’s a problem with you.
This isn’t the case at all. It obviously flips as well at times, you may not be in the mood because you’ve had a bad day, you’re feeling a bit bad about yourself or you’re just not in the zone, or frankly just don’t want to, that’s heard of and we all know it, but because of the fact that women have been kept neat and tidy and eternally not in the mood as depicted in Hollywood and there’s not a lot of material out there that suggests otherwise, we start to question ourselves, ask ourselves: Am I normal?
Well, yes we are normal and everyone has different moods and takes their time with their sexuality, we shouldn’t be second guessing ourselves and I do wish that more material was available for women to understand that their sexual desires are normal – I can think of only one movie where there’s the agenda for a group of girls to get laid rather than the American Pie plot we’re forever seeing repeated throughout movies in Hollywood centered on college level men or high schoolers.
So today I’m asking you to take a step back, evaluate how amazing you are and feel proud of yourself. Be proud of who you are in every aspect and especially be proud of your sexuality. Also hey, if sex toys are your thing then I have just the thing for you.
The Satisfyer and their mission
When I first opened up my sex and relationships column, I began to immediately have sex toy companies emailing me asking for collaborations, I never related to any and felt like I’d be pushing a sex toy on you for the sake of it, I felt like nobody had approached me with a cause. There would be no reason other than penning out a boring review and so I continuously turned collaborations down. But then came Satisfyer. They explained to me that they wanted to open up a discussion, much like I have been trying, where women can talk about masturbation and having a safe space to talk about what they like and don’t like, where saying “Hey, try out this sex toy!” wouldn’t be a weird thing to do, and everyone could relate and engage with one another.
So, therefore I accepted this collaboration. It was right up my street and I couldn’t wait to write this post, and well: here I am! I was sent two of their toys, the traveller and the Satisfyer Luxury. I was unsure about reviewing them both or if I’d just talk about the one which I felt was the best, but then I realised that different things work for different bodies, what may not work for me, may rock your world, and what I like may not be up your alley.
The Satisfyer Pro Traveller
The reason I’m starting off with this bad boy is because, well, it’s the better toy out of the two in my opinion. It’s designed to be more discreet so you can hide it in your purse or if you’re still living at home, nobody is gonna find it and understand straight away what you’ve got there.
It’s designed to resemble a perfume, which it kind of does when stood upright, but to me it looks more like a case of sorts, but even still, I think it does the job at being discreet fairly well.
This is quite a small toy which means you can stick it in your handbag if you ever feel the need to and you don’t need to worry about finding somewhere for it to go, my only criticism of the design is that if you’re not a manual reader, figuring out how to switch it on can be a gamble.
This is also a powerful toy. If that’s what you’re into then I definitely rate this more than the bigger toy, which we’ll get to in a second, because of how much power this thing has. It’s also convenient for if you’re using it when you’re not going solo, it’s not a toy that I can see getting in the way or disturbing the mood.
I also feel like these toys are great for anybody, they’re designed so they stimulate your clitoris rather than being designed to penetrate, which is how most of us like to be stimulated anyway, so you can focus on finding the good spot and enjoying how it feels rather than faffing around with curiosity.
The Satisfyer Luxury
If an intense pulse isn’t for you, then the Satisfyer Luxury may be. This isn’t as strong as the traveler and takes a bit more concentration, I can imagine this toy being perfect for beginners or anyone trying to be a bit more discreet volume wise. The only fault that I can pin-point with this toy is that the mechanism inside doesn’t switch off on its own, and the manual forgot to include that so I had to figure that out for myself (you hold the plus and minus buttons down BTW).
This is also a visually pleasing toy; I know that’s not the reason that you buy these but it does look luxurious and it definitely gives you the boujie queen vibes that I’m always talking about over on my Instagram stories. I also like that this comes with a little bag to store it in, so if you’re not intending on keeping it in the box when not in use, you can keep it clean and away from getting contaminated with germs.
This is also a really easy toy to clean and it’s waterproof, a lot of the reviews that I read before writing this up talk about trying it in water (which I haven’t), so if I have encouraged you to try this out, do that and let me know how you got on.