In life, we find ourselves falling in love. Romantically, platonically and as a family unit. I’ve been thinking about love a lot, as usual, and all of the ways that I’ve fallen over the years, I’ve begun to wonder if I’m expressing love too much, if I have too much of it and if it’s going to all of the wrong places.
With this in mind, and the fact that I’ve been watching Pedro play Assassins Creed, I looked into other cultures and how they described varieties of love. The ancient Greeks pulled love apart and left us with many different variants, “Storge (“store-gae”) is the love between family members, for instance; eros is erotic love; philia is something like the loyalty that friendship brings; philautia is “love for the self.”
When I look at all of these ways that the ancient greeks were able to pick love apart and categorise it, then come back to the English language, the only way that we can describe love is through saying it: love.
I’m definitely the type of person that is fascinated by love; I find myself wanting to be in love when I’m not and I find myself wanting to feel strongly towards other people, but in the same breath I am also able to admit that I find it difficult to find connections with people, and once I do, I hold onto those people very dearly because I understand how rare it is for me to come across this feeling towards somebody and be able to admit it to myself. My friends are dear to me because I have a connection with them in one way or another, Pedro is dear to me because I love him romantically and can see a future between us, my family are precious because of the love that I can comprehend for them, and that interests me.
I’ve always found throughout my lifetime that people come and go, you find deep connections and then all of a sudden they’re gone; this definitely upsets me because I like to imagine that people are forever, and because they aren’t forever isn’t a word that I use very often and when I do, it’s not a word that I use lightly. I definitely have a fear of losing people, and I believe in a jinx. I believe that the word forever is a jinx and I won’t use it unless I’m totally certain that forever exists.
So why do I think I have too much love?
I actually think “too much love” is a bit of a stretch here, but I have a lot of desire for love which I’m struggling, constantly, to act upon. I find myself getting nervous and caught up in conversations and making connections with people is normally a mammoth task because I find that I don’t know how to interact with people like a normal human being. I definitely over analyse responses and facial expressions to the point I feel like it’s impossible to make connections that mean something at my big ol’ age. Leaving me feeling like I have too much love that isn’t being offered.
I also feel like I love thick and fast and as hard as I possibly can. When in love, I find it easy to completely absorb myself into the other person, I know that I’d do anything for them and I unrealistically expect the same in return. When I have the love of friendship, or philia as the Greeks called it, I am able to chill out a bit yet I also find myself yearning for time. I get worried that I’m a flaky friend or that conversations revolve around me too much, that I’m not being as compassionate nor as good of a friend as I should be, and as time roles on, I begin to over analyse how selfish I am in a friendship, becoming overly conscious to ask about their day, their week, or their month depending on how long it has been since that last time we spoke.
These character flaws are things about myself that I’ve grown to become too enthusiastic about changing; I once spent an hour detailing these feelings to Pedro, who told me that I definitely was over analysing things, that by spending so much time in my head during a conversation, I really am missing out on genuine moments of connection; he could see my worries and anxieties but also assured me that if I make a mistake or misunderstand, nobody is going to go home and laugh at me for having a second of dimness, and yet, even when rest assured, I can’t stop the feeling of I need to be perfect for them.
As always though, I’ve found myself sat in front of my blog typing out these feelings because I find this to be the most therapeutic and easiest way to clear my mind. I feel like there needs to be a word invented today that expresses the love of my blog and my readers; the fact that I am able to feel comfortable enough to sit down and admit feelings such as these to hundreds and thousands of people on my website must mean that to a degree, I feel love. Or, I only see the numbers and don’t realise that people are actually watching me open up in a lengthy article. Either way; I’m comfortable talking to you like this, dear reader, because this is the most easiest and honest way that I can truly open myself up.
I’m definitely trying to work on all of the ways that I feel like I have flaws, I don’t want to be perfect but I do want to be comfortable when sat in a room with a group of strangers trying to initiate conversation, I don’t like the feeling of vast uncertainty and feeling self conscious just because I pronounced a word wrong or took someone by the wrong end of the stick and answered completely differently.
Isn’t this the reason blogs were made for though? Self reflection; opening up and having somewhere to discuss how we feel, how our lives are currently moving? Hopefully in a year I’ll report back that my anxieties and worries about socialising and having too much love stocked up inside of me were able to be resolved, and if they weren’t, hopefully they’re on the way to being resolved.