Over the years I’ve struggled with coming to terms with who I am in the blogosphere. I’ve spoken about feeling like a bit of an outcast a lot and not really having a set niche or reason why people should visit my blog – I dabble in everything and have an opinion on pretty much everything. But I’ve always felt like there is something holding me back, that my words are not as eloquent or as interesting as everyone else’s and that my posts, despite having thousands of words, get lost amongst all of the writers that are better than I am. But lately I’ve been feeling good about myself, good about my writing and I’ve been looking forward to writing my posts. So, did I find my voice?
The short answer is kinda – this year I’ve actually had my best year with my statistics and I don’t think it’s through a lack of effort. I haven’t suddenly stumbled into more page views and it’s not like I haven’t been working for it, because I feel like I’ve been kind of putting on a “surprised” face every time I talk about how well I’ve done, but the thing is: I’ve been trying.
I’ve been putting in the effort, trying to find words and trying to push myself to be more honest. Because that’s something that I’ve always struggled with as a blogger, I’ve held back a lot of elements of who I am as a person and what I like to do and say and be, all because of the fact that I’m probably a little bit afraid of judgment.
So, even though I said probably a million times that I wasn’t going to set actual resolutions this year, I did promise to myself that I was finally going to start talking more about the things that I like and I wanted to get my personality across through my writing.
I don’t think I’ve completely succeeded in getting my personality across, I’ve had a comment made a few times that I’m a lot more reserved within my writing and a lot more outspoken and carefree in the real world – I don’t like this fact, I feel like it sits in with the point that my writing and the real me are still separate, that I’m not a completely open book just yet, but it also means that I’ve had motivation to think. Yes – the one thing I do far too much of, but in a positive way? Absolutely sign me up!
I’ve been reflecting a lot on who I am as a writer rather than as a person. I feel like in order to gain confidence and find a voice within the blogging world, I’ve had to create a character of sorts. I’ve had to force myself to break out of my bubble and network and socialise with people, I’ve had to force myself to stop being so shy and write about sex and relationships which is something that I always wanted to do but couldn’t quite bring myself to do, and I feel like, although I have a long way ahead of me before I feel like who I am is truly translated into my posts, I’m getting there – in fact, I’d argue that I’m halfway there.
I definitely feel like blogging is something that a lot of my favourite writers fell out of love with last year, I feel like a lot of the writers I looked up to and wanted to be like, they packed their bags and focused on Instagram instead. I was feeling a little bit deflated about the fact, especially after realising that I’ve given up on Instagram and want to only but all of my energy into my blog. I didn’t know where to turn when I needed a before bed read, I didn’t know where to turn when I needed a laugh or some fashion inspo. All my faves had left the building and I was feeling a little bit… guideless.
That’s when I decided to become my own inspiration. To become the voice that I enjoyed reading and to stop worrying so much about what everybody else is doing. This ended up applying into my real life as well, I feel like I started to care less about what everyone else has and does and other peoples accomplishments, I celebrated with them rather than being silently jealous because I couldn’t see myself in their shoes, ever. I found myself becoming happier and even though I was slightly putting myself back in a bubble by paying less attention, I felt like I needed it.
I don’t feel like I’ve completely found a voice yet, I think that my voice will also sway and change and occasionally I may lose it, but where I’m at right now feels very safe to me. I feel like I’ve found a happy writing middle-ground whilst also implementing it into my day to day life, overall my mind is a lot clearer and I’m feeling a lot less stressed out about content and content creation. I’m feeling less worried that I’m not somebody for someone else to look up to, and I’m finally accepting that I’ve done well, I’ve stuck to my blog for all of these years and I can see my own growth with my blog too.
So, maybe this time next year my voice will be considerably different, but at least right now: I’m happy just doing me.