Just lately, I’ve been getting more and more concerned about things that once didn’t bother me. I’ve been worrying about saving money, I’ve been worrying about decluttering because the internet has told me I own too many things, and I’ve been worrying about my appearance more than ever.
I’ve been watching a lot of TV shows and movies where the female lead is stunning – but this is a common trait in Hollywood, the women are glamorous and gorgeous, even on their “bad” days, so when I compare my bad day to the likes of Anne Hathaway, I find myself feeling pretty rough. I’m realising that I don’t have the shaped jaw-line nor the toned tummy, that my legs are a bit chunky or that my fingers are baby like, I find myself wanting to alter the things that never once bothered me, and don’t get me wrong, my biggest insecurity is still my back, and that’s what always gets to me the most – post sex or shower scene when the camera turns to a shot of the actresses perfectly sculpted back that has no acne or rolls, I feel the need to change.
Unfortunately though, I know that I am not the only woman in the world that feels this way or begins to compare herself to the likes of Hollywood super stars because this is something that spreads across our society and leaks into real life on a constant basis. No matter who the woman is, society focuses on her looks and her clothes, the way she presents her outer body to the world. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not insinuating that men don’t get sexualised, but it’s more acceptable for men to step out wearing a big hoodie and some joggers having not washed or brushed their hair or teeth in the morning, you won’t get the press making comments about how they’re potentially having a meltdown or some aspect of their life is crumbling apart.
If I’m being totally honest, I care less now as a twenty-something about what people wear or how they look, it’s not something about people that I actually want to care about – but when I feel like I myself don’t look great, it bothers me. It bothers me to no end because I’m seeing constant criticism of beautiful women in the media, because social media shows that numbers are definitely going to be higher if you’re white, blonde and skinny and because I know that I don’t tick each individual box for being the perfect woman. I’m 4’11 and probably a little bit over weight for my height, I work every weekday and don’t always look glamorous in the office because of the type of place I work in, I’d rather not ruin my clothes, and I think it’s having a massive impact on my overall mood. The fact that I’ve started to self doubt. The fact that I’ve found myself wondering things like: “If only I were a bit taller or if I could fit into a size 8, would people want to work with me more? Would I be more likeable? Would I be happier?” has actually started to have me worried – not about my appearance but about my mental health.
I don’t find myself looking at other people and thinking things that they need to change about themselves – I don’t care about the way other people look, I’ve said this, and it’s something I mean. I can’t remember the last time I looked at someone and felt the need to judge their appearance, I follow people on social media because I find them interesting, if I like something that someone is wearing: I tell them, and more times than not I will always offer a compliment to someone because I know there’s a chance it’ll make them happy or at least shed some light into their day.
But these people, and I too, have more to offer than our looks and what we’re wearing. I consider myself to be creative and curious, I think I’m funny (although terrible at telling jokes – which I also think is hilarious so???), and I have a lot of love inside of me to offer to those that I care about. I’ll never be the prettiest, skinniest or tallest girl in the room, but that doesn’t mean that I have to start to compare, that I have to stop loving other elements of myself and that I have to feel lesser about myself – this is also definitely a me problem, something that I need to overcome, and the seeds have already been sown to get over this slight rough patch and to start to feel more me again.
I believe that we have more to offer in the world than a pretty face, slender body and tall legs, I believe that the world is more interesting than that. I really think that wanting to work in social media and have a job blogging made me lose sight a little bit of what matters the most to me, and that I’ve begun comparing myself to everyone and everything, when in reality I’m pretty sound and think that I just need to get over my doubts, overcome them and own what I do already love.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that, my looks aren’t the most important thing, and I have a lot of growing up to do.