As my favourite season of the year has crept its way in and I have spent more time amongst nature than I have in my entire life, I’ve been thinking a lot about my mental health and wellbeing. Although the sounds of birds chirping as my cameras self timer counts down from 10 brings me a soothing feeling, an hour before I got here I was moaning and groaning about having to leave the house and how yet another one of my weekends was going to be spent shooting photos for the following week; my motivation is pretty low in all actuality. How am I feeling?
Although this year has been one of my most successful blog years, I’ve definitely become a lot more stressed. This shows in my teeth gritting at night whilst I’m asleep. But, I’ve been putting more pressure on myself to do well. To shoot photos that I actually like, to write more but also to cut down. We’re only four months into the year and I’ve pretty much completely transformed my content and I’m proud of what I’ve been putting out.
This hasn’t come without it’s very obvious side effects though, every weekend when the sun is out, I am also out shooting photos, I’ve become pretty accustomed to all of the weird ways that people watch me shoot photos, some more obvious than others, I never actually realised how fascinating it must be to see someone standing in front of a tripod posing, but it really must be, it’s crazy. But this also makes me feel really lazy, when I wake up I know that I need to take photos, because I don’t want to slip back into old habits. The weekends are the only times that I get to shoot and I have to make the most of it, if I take photos and I hate them all, it’s been really affecting my morale and it takes the joy out of shooting photos, the joy that I’ve always loved.
However: The upside to this pressure that I’ve been putting on myself to shoot photos and to get out of the house to shoot them is that I have content that I’m genuinely proud of. I don’t feel embarrassed to show people my photos and even though 99% of them are self shot, I really like them. This is something that I never thought I’d ever do as well – self shoot photos of myself that I love. It feels like a total accomplishment and I look forward to seeing the final product of these images, which is actually what I enjoy the most about doing this.
Over on my Instagram I’ve also made the point of letting everyone know that I’m not writing that much this month, I’m going away next week and I don’t want to spend my time worrying about my blog, because I don’t worry about my weekday job at all whilst I go away, and I understand that it’s different, especially since social media is such a big part of all of our lives, but getting posts written and finished whilst I’m away is always a mission, and it’s one that I’m not very good at. I also neglect posts whilst I’m away, they don’t get any mentions on social media and they don’t do as well as they would have had I been at home only focusing on my blog, so I’ve decided to treat this holiday as a work and blog holiday. I’m spending time with my favourite person, that’s all I will focus on.
How has the Spring cleaning season got you? It’s got me feeling very organised. Although I don’t actually quite know where to begin with my space as of late, I seem to have acquired a lot of things over the last few months and all of the things that I have acquired don’t seem to have actually made a home. I’ve been addicted to watching YouTube videos about organising though and how to better organise my own bedroom. There’s lots of things (that I’ll probably talk about later this year), that I’ve been collecting for the long term in my space that I feel like are in the way of keeping myself organised, I’ve also let my wardrobe go massively and my target for this year is to totally have the biggest declutter of my life and get myself back on track with my, what once was, minimalist mojo.
Speaking of the long term though, I’ve been thinking a lot about some things that I’d like to do by this time next year. There are things that I’ve had on my mind that I want to vocalise – because I actually thing it’s the most pro-active way to get your foot in the door: talk about it. My mental health is my priority this year though, I feel like last year I had a lot on my mind and it was a lot of worrying that I didn’t need to do, I kind of stopped caring so much about my health too and my teeth and spine are currently hating me for it. Need to get that dentist appointment I missed in January ASAP.
So, I’ve decided to conclude this blog post by telling you what I want to have hopefully accomplished by this time next year – only without Devina Mccall encouraging me on a purple sofa (if you don’t get that reference, stick ITV on from time to time).
- Organise my space – digitally and physically
Obviously since I just spoke about it, organising my space is the most important thing on this list right now, but also in the digital space. I don’t mean by having a laptop with colour coded folders (Apple, what is the point in this feature BTW?) and super organised files, I mean by blog space. I want to start jotting notes down for ideas instead of starting blog posts only to bin them once they approach deadline because the emotion I felt when I came up with the title is now completely gone.
- Restart my newsletter
This is something I’ve been meaning to do for quite some time. I’ve had ideas for how I want to do it – goodies I want to give every month, I’ve been making presets to give away every month to download as a thank you for being a follower, but these presets also are a bit tricky to perfect which is what I’ve found the biggest hold up to be, but of all of the blogger newsletters I’m subscribed to, mine is definitely, or was definitely, the most boring and least giving.
- Start laser hair removal
If you’ve been following me on Instagram then you’ll know I’m a big fan of wax. I get myself regularly waxed and I love the hair-free life. But my hair free life is short lived as obviously, hair grows back. I’ve had it on my mind for a while now, probably since I realised that having a hollywood wax and a woman who I’ve been the most intimate with as she is looking at my private area every 3 weeks, yet I don’t even know her name, is slightly uncomfortable. So I’ve actually decided to start getting laser hair removal. When? I don’t know, it’s probably going to be sooner rather than later, I don’t think my lips can take being torn at much longer.
- Love myself
The biggie. I’ve been neglecting my self love as of late. My big head has shrunk and I’ve been feeling somewhat blue. Disliking things about myself and giving off a lot of negative energy, as Pedro once said: It’s like Gina became Boyle (*high five* if you got that reference). I think self love is the most important thing, and I’ve spoken about it enough over here to understand just how important it is to me. But alas, my brain got in the way and I started to feel a little bit eh about myself. I want to change this and that, wouldn’t I look better like this and don’t you think that people might like me more if I juuust altered that?
This mindset has become really unhealthy actually and it’s been getting me down. It’s the most unlike me thing that I’ve done in a while, because I’ve always made sure to be the most confident version of myself. I’ve pushed myself to pose in a bra even when I’ve been feeling a bit crap, I’ve smiled in photos because I know it’s a feature about myself that I like, and I’ve put on my favourite makeup to make myself feel great deliberately, just to bring up my mood and love of myself a little bit, once again.
What I find worrying though, is that I’m not the only person feeling this way. I’ve seen it spoken about a lot lately, and it makes me feel sad. I’m sad because I want to bring light into the world, do good things and make good memories. I want to be giving and empathetic, and even though I find the former a lot easier than the latter, I definitely don’t want to contribute in what I feel is actually really toxic behaviours on social media.
So this time next year, my ultimate goal, is to be able to say: I love myself and there’s not a damn thing I would change.